we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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