That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
