"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We talked him into tasing himself.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
