What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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