Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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