I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize