also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
