I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
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I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
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Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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