Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
