The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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