The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
