I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
