I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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