Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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