Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
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He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
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I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
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