Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
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You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
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I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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