note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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