Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
