Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
