I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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