his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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