Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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