I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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