Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
