i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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