What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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