Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
