and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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