Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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