What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
