he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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