She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
