I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got my gum stuck on his balls.