I got chris browned last night
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?