Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
