Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
