Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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