Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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