It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
