I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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