Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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