i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
