He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
