Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
