be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
