I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
