My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
