I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
