I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I need water and some morals
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