Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
