Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
