giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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