My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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