dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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