so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
cat food counts as protein by the way
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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