oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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