I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
